Thailand is known for its progressive, sex positive culture. Consequently, strip clubs or ‘girly bars’ can be found in virtually every Thai province. These bars feature beautiful girls, strong drinks, and loathsome sex-pats. Not all horny foreigners are created equal. Here is a list of the worst customers that a mama san could hope to deal with.
The YouTube DJ
Pop music YouTube playlists are essential for creating the ambiance of a Thai strip club. In fact, you can’t say you’ve been to a Thai strip club unless you’ve witnessed the ubiquitous catwalk of bikini clad working girls plucking at their bra straps to the beat of a Maroon 5 song. Unfortunately for the girls and other patrons, these bars give customers the freedom to curate their own playlist using the laptop behind the bar. When this happens, the girls are beaten over the head with an eclectic mix of mumble rap, deep house, and ‘Free Bird’. Not only do the girls not know how to dance to this music, they also have to deal with long moments of silence as browser tabs open and close, and songs buffer. Pop music in girly bars has a purpose, it saves us from the moments of silence that would otherwise allow us to think about our lives and the decisions we’ve made to reach this point. The next time you see one of these amateur DJs, tap them on the shoulder and offer them your headphones.
(Insert picture of girls on catwalk with the caption, “No, they aren’t going to two step to your favorite Jay Z track.”)
The Guy Who Earnestly Hits on Bar Girls
The stereotype of the elusive, demure, ‘oriental’ trophy wife died a long time ago. Today, Asian women are strong and unapologetic about what they want; some Thai girls are just as forward and sexually aggressive as Western men. In spite of this, some should-be-virgin losers insist on wooing their favorite bar girls with their broken Thai and rudimentary understanding of Thai culture. You’re not impressing anyone with your 150 cc Honda scooter. No one thinks your anecdotes about taxi scams are funny. Also, talking bad about your ex-wife is pathetic. Tip your servers and pay your bar fine, that’s all anyone wants from you.
“Yeah I don’t hear much from my uncle anymore, but he always has crazy stories about living abroad.”
The Guy Who Talks to You in the Bathroom
Listen man, the only thing I wanted to see in here, other than hand soap, was another bar girl. I don’t even want to make eye contact with you. We’re not going to start a business together. I don’t care where you’re from. What do I do for work? Take a fucking guess. Unless you’re buying me and my bar girl a round of drinks, I’d rather forget you. Oh, and definitely don’t touch me. Oh, which reminds me…
(Insert gritty picture of a strip club bathroom [maybe a real one from soi cowboy?] with the caption, “One time I walked in on a ladyboy using the toilet and when I came out my friend asked me if she was sitting or standing… it was pretty funny.”)
The Guy Who Touches You While You’ve Got an Erection
I’m hard, man. My dick is hard. This place is full of horny dudes and we all want to be touched by goofy little Thai girls. If I came here with you, I guess we can chat. Seriously though, I don’t need my shoulder rubbed by some lecherous Italian guy with an oily mustache. Respect my personal space, this isn’t China.
This is a test that you can’t study for.
The Guy Who Brought His Girlfriend
We all know ‘that’ couple. Open relationships, board games, handmade leather bondage gear… they’re sex nerds and they’re obnoxious. Of all the hobbies to have, they chose sex? Anyways, there is a time and place for their fear of commitment to present itself, a girly bar is not one. First of all, they’ve put all of the girls on edge because they’re worried that an instance of eye contact is going to start a brawl. Second, everyone gets the vibe that they’re being judged. Oh you have a “real” girlfriend? Very impressive. Remind us again how much she pays for rent? Finally, the worst thing about the guy in particular is that he might actually be the most desperate guy in the bar. Perhaps he was so afraid of rejection that he needed to bring a “guarantee”. Maybe he thought the other girls would be impressed by the fact that he somehow managed to find someone genuinely attracted to him. In any case, we’d all rather this couple stick to Fetlife and leave the strip clubs to bachelors.
This is a kink.
Ok, maybe I was exaggerating when I said that the guy above was the most desperate. Any veteran of Soi Cowboy will tell you that there are a handful of unspoken rules to follow when dealing with bar girls. Don’t take pictures. Pay your bar fine. Don’t ring the bell. It’s honestly hard to make a list without giving “Don’t kiss your bar girl” as the best example. It’s uncertain whether this act is a sign of desperation or autism. If you insist on getting this intimate with your “short time” partner, be a gentleman and cup your hand over her mouth so that you kiss your knuckles. It shows class.
(Insert picture of two bar girls kissing each other with the caption, “Sometimes it’s cool, I guess.”)
It’s important to know the “rules” of a girly bar, but that barrier for entry is pretty low. You don’t need to be James Bond to navigate your way through Thailand’s red light district. There are plenty of hacky blogs and websites that will tell you everything you need to know about procuring a prostitute, so why do some guys go out of their way to write their own book on the subject? This guy has a protocol. He knows all of the happy hours by heart, knows girls by their given family names, and sometimes stops by the bar before 6 to chat with the owner before the party begins. This isn’t valuable information, it’s a symptom of addiction.
By the way, if you can translate “GFE”, “BBBJ”, or are in any way familiar with watersports, get help.
Coincidentally, they’re all the same author.
The Guy Who Complains about How Weak His Bar Girl’s Drink Is
Make no qualms about it, every girly bar is in the business of making money. Part of making money involves diluting drinks. Actually, if your own drink is diluted then maybe you really should find a new bar. However, if you’re sampling #17s whiskey coke to see if it’s properly mixed, you might actually be a sexual predator. Why be so insistent about getting your bar girl drunk? These girls have to put up with creepy old men like you every night, think about their livers. Actually, if your girl genuinely has a strong drink, consider it a sign that she’s really uncomfortable around you.
(Stylish, dynamic photograph of a mixed drink in a strip club with the caption, “Also, don’t wink if you order a drink with a ‘dirty’ name.”)
The Guy Who’s with the Girl I Came Specifically to See
I understand you were here first, but [NAME REDACTED] and I really hit it off last time I was here. I know she doesn’t like me like me, but she’s really cute and she reminds me of my ex. Are you planning on taking her home? If not, I mean, I can wait. I only really budgeted enough for drinks for her but I don’t mind chatting with another girl for a minute. Can you ask if she remembers me? Haha only joking, she probably doesn’t. Anyways, maybe let me know if you pay her bar fine because then I won’t stay as long.
(Insert a blurry/censored picture of inside a busy strip club with the caption, “I snapped this one just for fun, haha, but you know, not in a creepy way. I think she’ll think it’s funny.”)
The Guy Who Fell in Love